lighting up my camel filter cigarette
faux leather jacket: forever 21
grey drape sweater: gina tricot
blue plaid oversized tshirt: BDG
lace up oxford heels: $60 zara
diy tights: myself
leg warmers
odd occurances:
1.) a week & a half ago i took a urine drug test (i have to take one every month or so because i'm at a methadone clinic) and i got a call yesterday from my counselor telling me that i apparently showed up negative for methadone. i don't know how this is possible since i go in every single morning to the clinic to take my dose at 8:30 and then on saturday & sunday i get my own take home bottles and my mom gives to to me. my mother gives it to me!! i'm practically asleep when she gives me them. and i go straight to sleep right after anyway. they think i'm either selling the methadone or spitting it out. but if i was doing that, or if i wasn't taking my methadone, i'd be using drugs. wouldn't that make sense? why would i stop taking my methadone and not use drugs? i'd be withdrawing!!! methadone is still a drug. when you're coming off of heroin, they put you on methadone. it doesn't make any sense. i need a bottle of my Lexapro filled by my psychiatrist but they won't fill it because of this drug test. me and my mom are baffled because even my mom knows i'm taking it and believe me, she will be the first one to tell them i might be selling it or using. she will not hide anything to save me. i went in this morning to give another urine test but i'm afraid it will show up negative again since it did the first time. but that had to be the wrong urine or the lab had to have messed up. it's just simply impossssssible that it's showing up that there is no methadone in my blood system.
2.) i keep thinking about my last relationship; May 6, 2007. i was with someone for a year who was abusive physically & emotionally towards me and in the end i had to put a restraining order on him. unfortunately (or fortunately) i fell deeply in love with him throughout the year we were together. we were inseparable. he loved me and i loved him. we were going to be together forever. i will never have those feelings for someone else. we had this connection that was so real, so true i don't think i will ever be able to find that with someone else again. we completed each other's sentences, we knew everything about each other, and he didn't even have to tell me he loved me... i just knew. it was just that very rare relationship where true love blossomed in a very unhealthy relationship. it was the drugs, i say. i keep telling myself that because i'm convinced it was. it was the drugs the whole time. drugs in the morning, drugs in the afternoon, drugs in the evening and night. once he stopped using, he started withdrawing alone. he became angry, so so so angry. even on the drugs he was a different person. he was a monster. i was very clueless and naive then about drugs. i just used them. i had no idea how much he was using, what he was using, when he was using. i would find needles around his room and he would tell me he had them just because or they were his roommates. i believed him because we would always joke around about shooting up heroin but of course we were just joking... right? from my knowledge then, he never injected, he would never! how could i be so stupid? he had at least 10 needles stashed in his drawer. i was so naive! i was only 16 years old (i turned 17 when i was with him. he was 19 & turned 2o when he was with me). today i keep thinking why did it have to end the way it did. i hate him for what he did to me but i hate that it had to end that way. i still talk to him from time to time because i can't help it. i thought since he "kid knapped" me and keyed my car was going to be the last time i ever talked to him, but i was wrong. i can't stand to have him out of my life permanently. he's my first love, and i mean my real true first love. i can't stress that enough. no matter how badly the relationship or he destroyed me, i talk to him. i loved him more than life itself, more than myself, more than anyone. i couldn't believe what i was doing for someone i love; going against my parents, running away, living at his house from time to time because i hated my parents for hating him, wanting to kill myself because of how he treated me, cutting myself, it was incredible. i couldn't believe it. people always ask me, "how could you love such a monster who abused you?" but i always said, "you don't understand. and you never will. he wasn't always like that. you can't help yourself when you fall deeply, deeply in love." it was so hard to let go. i wish we never met then because it was just the wrong time for us. we were so young, we were always fucked up or withdrawing, we were rebellious. we. were. out. of. control; attempted suicides, psych wards, drugs, cops; our relationship was something out of a movie. it was a crazy love story that never ended. after the restraining order i started using heroin right away. i needed something stronger than just cocaine & ecstasy & painkillers. i tried crack a lot but the heroin was my drug. it was there for me 24/7 and it never, ever let me down. i never thought about our relationship then because i was always fucked up. but since then, since i got clean, i've been thinking about it every day. i never had my chance to deal with it. i never thought about the memories and now they're all coming back... the times he would kick me down the stairs until i sobbed for him to stop, when he punched me until my nose bled, until my gums bled, until i blacked out i couldn't see, when he pushed me up against the wall choking me until i would say whatever he wanted me to say, when he would bite my cheek so hard he would leave a bruise just so he would shut me up when i was screaming for help. i never thought about any of that until now. it's insane. but i also never thought about how insanely in love we were together. oh how i wish things were so different!!! but please don't get me wrong, i'm so happy with my current boyfriend. i think the reason why all these emotions for my ex boyfriend are coming up now is because my current boyfriend doesn't tell me how he feels. he doesn't talk to me about us, our relationship, and he doesn't love me. when i think about my ex boyfriend, i know that someone loved me and someone still does. i wish michael, my current boyfriend, just wanted to talk about us more. it's like he doesn't want to. he ignores it all the time. he says childish, stupid things like, i really really like you. stuff like that. is this a serious relationship to him or not? because when i get into a relationship it's not just a 5 month deal and that's it. i just hope hope hope he starts to feel the way i feel about him towards me. because really, i'm falling for michael. i love him. but it's just not in the way i loved my ex boyfriend. he will always be in my heart.
i might delete all of that. it's so personal. i don't know why i dug so deep. i guess i just wanted to write it all out (or type it out, excuse me) because i was just talking to my ex boyfriend and michael ignored my question about us, once again. i guess i'm just a little upset or frustrated, saddened, hurt. yikes, well this entry wasn't depressing!!! and please, i don't want sympathy. i hate it. i don't need it.
love, miss dayna
