midnight rambler: 02/17/09

i watched the movie Factory Girl last night alone early in the morning. i wasn't sure if i was going to like it. but it turned out by the middle of the movie, i was memorized by Sienna Miller playing Edie Sedgwick and Edie's life in general. by mid-end of the movie, i was in tears. and i mean, serious tears. i'm not sure if any of you who saw this movie cried, but i haven't cried harder when i watched a movie in a very long time. i'm not sure if i was crying because the movie brought back a lot of memories for myself when i was using drugs or if i was crying for Edie that she had to go through all of that horrible betrayal, use, and hate from Andy Warhol and friends as well as the choice to use drugs. or was i crying for both? i know for sure that i dislike Andy Warhol and i plan on taking my Andy Warhol poster on the back of my door down today, as well as my Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe print screens by him. after seeing Factory Girl and researching, Andy Warhol was a completely ruthless self-centered person who only cared about fame and the riches. in my opinion, he used Edie for that fame and he betrayed her in the end. he used her and left her. however, Edie did leave the Factory on her own... but there was a clear reason for that. her drug use was not only because of Andy but she was greatly disturbed and hurt for what he did to her. she felt as if her life was falling apart and she didn't know what else to do, than use drugs. and I know that feeling better than any other feeing known to humans. it made me sick when I watched what Andy did to her. it made me sick when I saw Edie laying naked with drug dealers and seeing one of her old friends walking in on her like that. it brought back too much. Edie's life was my life. minus the glamour and fame and Andy Warhol, of course. but Edie's drug life, was my life. and I almost couldn't take it anymore watching it. but I couldn't stop watching. I had to continue. so I kept watching and I kept crying and I kept craving. the most heartbreaking and sickening part of all was when after Edie left the Factory, she tried saving herself from the drugs. she knew that everyday would be a battle, she said that herself, and she would fight it everyday because she came to realize she went out of control. she was doing so well until just a year later she had a drug overdose and wasn't given another change. she died at just 28 years old. i couldn't stop crying when i read that.

when you look at photos of Edie Sedgwick, you see a wonderful, innocent looking girl with thick eyelashes, long legs, a beautiful short haircut, and a glowing smile so big that you can almost hear her laughter. i would have never guessed she got involved with sex and drug exchanges. she was so classy. looked so innocent. so lovable and sweet. so trusting. but what about myself? i'm trusting, respectable, loyal, sweet, caring, and i'm a drug addict? does that make me any different? it can happen to anyone. in 1965 or 1966 she had a relationship that was kept anonymously with Bob Dylan and was devastated when it ended. she then had a relationship with Bob Neuwirth, who was Bob Dylan's side man, for a few years until he couldn't handle her drug use and erratic behavior anymore. Her family history is too hard to tell since it includes a father who seduces his wife's friends, children's friends, and Edie, herself, a mother who didn't care, a brother who was bashed for being gay and then committed suicide, and another brother getting killed. I wish Edie was alive today. I hate to think that her life was full of dreaded people and actions. she seemed like such a wonderful young lady and people took such advantage of that. she got caught up in a horrible mess with drugs and couldn't get out of it and I understand that fully. it's a battle everyday. she said that herself. I just wish she could have made it. people only tried to save her from herself. the people who actually did love her, that is.

oh, i definitely need a cigarette now.