A few hours ago I got home from the diner with Karin, Lex, and Katie. I haven't seen them in a while!- so it was really nice to see them finally. I fell asleep right when I got home from therapy at 6:00 because as I was driving home I was falling asleep at the wheel, literally. I kept swivering and thinking I was going to get into an accident because everything was blurry. It was so scary... and it's an hour ride there and home too! I literally was praying that I'd make it home safely because there were times I was waiting at the red light and I'd fall asleep for a second and I'd wake up to a car honking at me in back of me. Then I would drive with my eyes shut for a bit until I suddenly wake up and see that I'm swivering toward a pole or a car- man, it was terrible. I have no idea why I was so tired either. AND I'm not on any drugs if that's what any one was thinking. Although, I definitely thought maybe I accidently took some heroin without myself knowing (seriously). So I was thinking back through my days, thinking if I just went out and used and tried to erase that thought out of my memory or something (I know, I'm insane), but no. I guess it was the combination of my methadone and lack of sleep that really drove me out of control (no pun intended). Plus, Michael came over bright early around 9:00 and by 12:00 we had to go to school to register for classes and it took forever there. So I had a long day compared to my usual days since I normally just sleep then go to Michael's then come home early in the morning and go straight into my bed and wake up late. I don't know. Today was just so odd. Thank god I made it home though without crashing into any cars! I fell asleep from 6 until 10:30 when I was supposed to see my friends at 8:30/9:00- but clearly I didn't wake up in time for that. blah.
For the past 4 days or so, I have been craving for drugs. Triggers are popping up all around me. Sunday night I got a text from a guy that I was living with when I was using and he told me that he wanted to get high but it probably wouldn't happen- basically implying the fact that he wanted me to take him to get drugs since he knew I had a car (this used to happen daily in the past). I was terrified. He knew I was clean, but I felt like he probably just thought I fucked up because not one single person that knew me while I was using had faith in me. They all thought I was going to die and they actually told me that to my face. Truth is, it's not a far-fetched thing to say. Anyway, I was furious and frightened. How could someone ask someone that's in recovery a question like that? Or when you last talked to that person you knew they were in recovery, you know? I told him never to text me again if that's what he's asking about but then I started debating in my head whether or not I should go get high with him because it was a perfect opportunity, plus that's what us addicts do. It drives us fucking insane.
Pros: (from an addict's mind there are always pros)
-my parents weren't home so I could have left with the car easily.
-he would've most likely paid for me since I was driving.
-I miss my dealer so seeing him again would have been a nice surprise....
-I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN HIGH!!!!!!!!!!!
-I give up. so who gives a fuck?
Cons:
-my sister was home and she knew about the situation because she was with me when he texted me so she would have told my parents no doubt if I just left the house. I don't know what I would have said if I left anyway because she knows me. she knows if I just got a text saying, "I want to get high" and I leave... I'm going to get high too.
-I would get kicked out of my house.
-I would lose my boyfriend, my friends, and my family.
-I would end back at square 1 and lose my 4 months of sobriety.
- I would end back at square 1 stealing and doing what I have to do to get money for my drugs and find a place to live. And since it's winter, I'm not sleeping on a park bench.
Clearly the cons outweigh the pros. The cons are definitely serious and life-threatening but that still doesn't stop me in a craving. I sometimes think that I can handle it, that I can do it once and that will be it. But I know I'm just fooling myself because I never was like that. Never. I've been using for three and a half years and it wasn't ever spaced out. It was every few weeks, to every week, to every few days, to every other day, to every day, to every hour then I just realized... I have a problem. I guess I can say I'm actually terrified of the triggers. I'm terrified when I feel a craving coming on because I never know if I'm going to give into it or not. I never know. Really, I don't. I won't go to parties anymore, I won't talk to anyone who I used to use with, when I'm on the train to NYC and I pass Newark I start getting horrible anxiety and I burst out crying about an hour or two later, I'm afraid to go to college- to meet new people, to see the people I interacted with... I need to get over this because I can't keep living like this. I get so angry and jealous at anyone, ANYONE who can drink, smoke weed, use drugs because they CAN. They aren't addicted to it! They can handle it! They can party and have fun! I never partied in my life! I was the girl who was dragged to parties and sneaked into the bathroom to shoot up heroin and then nodded off on the couch until it was time to go. Is that fun? I never fucking partied but I want to. I want to have that kind of FUN. I want to be able to enjoy that college lifestyle but I can't because apparently I can't fucking handle that. I did everything already. I did too much of that already but at the same time, I didn't. I just did too much of the bad stuff. I did nothing of the fun stuff if that makes aaaaany sense. I don't know how to explain it.. I just have a disease. I have a disease called addiction and if I start with one drink or one joint it will lead me to a bundle of heroin to two bundles of heroin to two 8balls of cocaine to cook up which will lead to every fucking day. It wouldn't just be that one time. It will be every single day.
Yesterday 
ruffled long-sleeved top- $20 Urban Outfitters
blue dress- $20 Urban Outfitters
plaid belt- Abercrombie & Fitch
Yesterday Night 
vintage maroon fur coat- $25 ebay
I have a lot to think about. I'm a little bit stressed and overwhelmed. I've been crying a lot at night too. This entry was kind of personal. I don't know. It's time to go to sleep! It's 3:10 am. I hope my ebay clothes from Magnitude Vintage come tomorrow- I've been waiting, waiting, waiting for them to come... I can't wait. I'm going to Michael's bright and early tomorrow so I need some sleep too. ♥
love,
miss dayna
For the past 4 days or so, I have been craving for drugs. Triggers are popping up all around me. Sunday night I got a text from a guy that I was living with when I was using and he told me that he wanted to get high but it probably wouldn't happen- basically implying the fact that he wanted me to take him to get drugs since he knew I had a car (this used to happen daily in the past). I was terrified. He knew I was clean, but I felt like he probably just thought I fucked up because not one single person that knew me while I was using had faith in me. They all thought I was going to die and they actually told me that to my face. Truth is, it's not a far-fetched thing to say. Anyway, I was furious and frightened. How could someone ask someone that's in recovery a question like that? Or when you last talked to that person you knew they were in recovery, you know? I told him never to text me again if that's what he's asking about but then I started debating in my head whether or not I should go get high with him because it was a perfect opportunity, plus that's what us addicts do. It drives us fucking insane.
Pros: (from an addict's mind there are always pros)
-my parents weren't home so I could have left with the car easily.
-he would've most likely paid for me since I was driving.
-I miss my dealer so seeing him again would have been a nice surprise....
-I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN HIGH!!!!!!!!!!!
-I give up. so who gives a fuck?
Cons:
-my sister was home and she knew about the situation because she was with me when he texted me so she would have told my parents no doubt if I just left the house. I don't know what I would have said if I left anyway because she knows me. she knows if I just got a text saying, "I want to get high" and I leave... I'm going to get high too.
-I would get kicked out of my house.
-I would lose my boyfriend, my friends, and my family.
-I would end back at square 1 and lose my 4 months of sobriety.
- I would end back at square 1 stealing and doing what I have to do to get money for my drugs and find a place to live. And since it's winter, I'm not sleeping on a park bench.
Clearly the cons outweigh the pros. The cons are definitely serious and life-threatening but that still doesn't stop me in a craving. I sometimes think that I can handle it, that I can do it once and that will be it. But I know I'm just fooling myself because I never was like that. Never. I've been using for three and a half years and it wasn't ever spaced out. It was every few weeks, to every week, to every few days, to every other day, to every day, to every hour then I just realized... I have a problem. I guess I can say I'm actually terrified of the triggers. I'm terrified when I feel a craving coming on because I never know if I'm going to give into it or not. I never know. Really, I don't. I won't go to parties anymore, I won't talk to anyone who I used to use with, when I'm on the train to NYC and I pass Newark I start getting horrible anxiety and I burst out crying about an hour or two later, I'm afraid to go to college- to meet new people, to see the people I interacted with... I need to get over this because I can't keep living like this. I get so angry and jealous at anyone, ANYONE who can drink, smoke weed, use drugs because they CAN. They aren't addicted to it! They can handle it! They can party and have fun! I never partied in my life! I was the girl who was dragged to parties and sneaked into the bathroom to shoot up heroin and then nodded off on the couch until it was time to go. Is that fun? I never fucking partied but I want to. I want to have that kind of FUN. I want to be able to enjoy that college lifestyle but I can't because apparently I can't fucking handle that. I did everything already. I did too much of that already but at the same time, I didn't. I just did too much of the bad stuff. I did nothing of the fun stuff if that makes aaaaany sense. I don't know how to explain it.. I just have a disease. I have a disease called addiction and if I start with one drink or one joint it will lead me to a bundle of heroin to two bundles of heroin to two 8balls of cocaine to cook up which will lead to every fucking day. It wouldn't just be that one time. It will be every single day.
ruffled long-sleeved top- $20 Urban Outfittersblue dress- $20 Urban Outfitters
plaid belt- Abercrombie & Fitch
vintage maroon fur coat- $25 ebayI have a lot to think about. I'm a little bit stressed and overwhelmed. I've been crying a lot at night too. This entry was kind of personal. I don't know. It's time to go to sleep! It's 3:10 am. I hope my ebay clothes from Magnitude Vintage come tomorrow- I've been waiting, waiting, waiting for them to come... I can't wait. I'm going to Michael's bright and early tomorrow so I need some sleep too. ♥
love,
miss dayna
the fur is SO amazing x
ReplyDeleteomg. you look soo cute and beautiful!!! love your outfits. <3
ReplyDeleteyou are adorable
ReplyDelete